I have my third "Up Front" session this evening. They've been interesting. Definitely puts my "addiction" in perspective. I don't go crazy when I don't have alcohol. I've never tried anything chemical. I'm fairly cognizant of everything else I put in my body. But all that being said, I definitely have an issue.
I love the feeling of being buzzed. It's just an all consuming happiness and warmth that floods your body. Daily stresses don't matter. That long list of things you need to accomplish? No longer important. That voice in the back of my mind telling me to constantly be productive is finally quiet. It's just wonderful... but then after about a half hour it fades, and I want it back. So I drink another. Or smoke a joint. Trying to keep that good feeling going just a little longer.
But then when it ends? Guilt. Shame. Anxiety.
That nasty taste in your mouth that tastes stale and bitter.
The icky feeling in your stomach that you hope throwing up will remedy.
But mostly the guilt.
I haven't been drinking "as much" as I was earlier in the year, but its still an almost daily occurrence. And even though I'm only having one or two the majority of the days, I hide it. And hiding it, in my opinion, is the main indication that I have a problem.
Other people can come home and have a beer or two, or a glass of wine and feel no guilt, no remorse, no shame. I can't. I used to be able to, but now those feelings are overwhelming in the hours afterwards. So I hide it. I don't want my husband to know I'm not perfect - not in complete control of myself. I don't want to believe I'm not in complete control of myself. I'm so accomplished in other areas of my life... why is this one so hard for me?
After this last Up Front meeting, I'll have an individual counsellor contact me to discuss my next steps. I look forward to that. Someone who can support me in my decision making process and help me get out of my own head, yet someone who I'm not burdening with my issues, like my husband or best friend.
Hopefully it brings some relief.
I love the feeling of being buzzed. It's just an all consuming happiness and warmth that floods your body. Daily stresses don't matter. That long list of things you need to accomplish? No longer important. That voice in the back of my mind telling me to constantly be productive is finally quiet. It's just wonderful... but then after about a half hour it fades, and I want it back. So I drink another. Or smoke a joint. Trying to keep that good feeling going just a little longer.
But then when it ends? Guilt. Shame. Anxiety.
That nasty taste in your mouth that tastes stale and bitter.
The icky feeling in your stomach that you hope throwing up will remedy.
But mostly the guilt.
I haven't been drinking "as much" as I was earlier in the year, but its still an almost daily occurrence. And even though I'm only having one or two the majority of the days, I hide it. And hiding it, in my opinion, is the main indication that I have a problem.
Other people can come home and have a beer or two, or a glass of wine and feel no guilt, no remorse, no shame. I can't. I used to be able to, but now those feelings are overwhelming in the hours afterwards. So I hide it. I don't want my husband to know I'm not perfect - not in complete control of myself. I don't want to believe I'm not in complete control of myself. I'm so accomplished in other areas of my life... why is this one so hard for me?
After this last Up Front meeting, I'll have an individual counsellor contact me to discuss my next steps. I look forward to that. Someone who can support me in my decision making process and help me get out of my own head, yet someone who I'm not burdening with my issues, like my husband or best friend.
Hopefully it brings some relief.
Comments
Post a Comment