Demi Lovato released a song this morning describing how sorry she is because she's "not sober anymore."
It hit me hard. Not that I've been sober for any extended period of time - no, I don't have that kind of willpower yet - but the apologies she makes to her loved ones. It hurt my heart so badly to hear it.
I justify my drinking to myself a lot of the time by saying "oh, I'm not so bad, I ONLY drank __, it could have been worse." But I'm lying, aren't I?
Yes, some people can have 2 beers every day after work and not consider themselves a problem drinker, but if I really didn't think I was a problem drinker, would i feel shame? Would i be dishonest about my consumption? Would I hide it from people? Would i wake up daily feeling guilty?
The answers to all these questions are a resounding "no." Even though I may not be directly hurting anyone else, I'm hurting myself. And in a way, i AM hurting them too by not being honest and leaving them in the dark. By not TRUSTING them. By not trusting myself.
I need to get back on this sober bandwagon. Yes, it's summer, and yes, I could make a million and one excuses to myself about why it's okay to drink because its so and so's party, or I'm going to a cottage, or a concert, or whatever, but there's ALWAYS going to be an excuse to delay it.
I need to complete my 30 days alcohol free. There are no more excuses.
Even now I'm thinking about that beer and a half I have waiting for me at home. That's not healthy. And yes, i said a half. I have a disgusting, stale, flat beer that was opened and unfinished yesterday. And I'll drink it. Because it really doesn't matter what it tastes like, does it? It's all for that 20 minute buzz. And I try to say to myself i don't *really* have a problem... because everyone who has a healthy relationship with alcohol drinks old beer, right? Ick.
Starting tomorrow (and oh god, I'm disgusted with myself for having to finish those last beers tonight... but I do. I'm going to have a sorrowful goodbye and a good cry), I WILL:
1. Listen to my 30 day solution audiobook on my way into work in the mornings, or when im relaxing with my morning coffee on the weekends.
2. Do the action steps. They really don't take that long, and it's good to process my thoughts.
3. Journal every damn day. Here, or on paper, or really anywhere.
My depression has gotten bad lately, and I know its because this behaviour is fucking with me and my values. It has to stop.
It hit me hard. Not that I've been sober for any extended period of time - no, I don't have that kind of willpower yet - but the apologies she makes to her loved ones. It hurt my heart so badly to hear it.
I justify my drinking to myself a lot of the time by saying "oh, I'm not so bad, I ONLY drank __, it could have been worse." But I'm lying, aren't I?
Yes, some people can have 2 beers every day after work and not consider themselves a problem drinker, but if I really didn't think I was a problem drinker, would i feel shame? Would i be dishonest about my consumption? Would I hide it from people? Would i wake up daily feeling guilty?
The answers to all these questions are a resounding "no." Even though I may not be directly hurting anyone else, I'm hurting myself. And in a way, i AM hurting them too by not being honest and leaving them in the dark. By not TRUSTING them. By not trusting myself.
I need to get back on this sober bandwagon. Yes, it's summer, and yes, I could make a million and one excuses to myself about why it's okay to drink because its so and so's party, or I'm going to a cottage, or a concert, or whatever, but there's ALWAYS going to be an excuse to delay it.
I need to complete my 30 days alcohol free. There are no more excuses.
Even now I'm thinking about that beer and a half I have waiting for me at home. That's not healthy. And yes, i said a half. I have a disgusting, stale, flat beer that was opened and unfinished yesterday. And I'll drink it. Because it really doesn't matter what it tastes like, does it? It's all for that 20 minute buzz. And I try to say to myself i don't *really* have a problem... because everyone who has a healthy relationship with alcohol drinks old beer, right? Ick.
Starting tomorrow (and oh god, I'm disgusted with myself for having to finish those last beers tonight... but I do. I'm going to have a sorrowful goodbye and a good cry), I WILL:
1. Listen to my 30 day solution audiobook on my way into work in the mornings, or when im relaxing with my morning coffee on the weekends.
2. Do the action steps. They really don't take that long, and it's good to process my thoughts.
3. Journal every damn day. Here, or on paper, or really anywhere.
My depression has gotten bad lately, and I know its because this behaviour is fucking with me and my values. It has to stop.
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