Demi Lovato released a song this morning describing how sorry she is because she's "not sober anymore." It hit me hard. Not that I've been sober for any extended period of time - no, I don't have that kind of willpower yet - but the apologies she makes to her loved ones. It hurt my heart so badly to hear it. I justify my drinking to myself a lot of the time by saying "oh, I'm not so bad, I ONLY drank __, it could have been worse." But I'm lying, aren't I? Yes, some people can have 2 beers every day after work and not consider themselves a problem drinker, but if I really didn't think I was a problem drinker, would i feel shame? Would i be dishonest about my consumption? Would I hide it from people? Would i wake up daily feeling guilty? The answers to all these questions are a resounding "no." Even though I may not be directly hurting anyone else, I'm hurting myself. And in a way, i AM hurting them too by not being ho
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I have my third "Up Front" session this evening. They've been interesting. Definitely puts my "addiction" in perspective. I don't go crazy when I don't have alcohol. I've never tried anything chemical. I'm fairly cognizant of everything else I put in my body. But all that being said, I definitely have an issue. I love the feeling of being buzzed. It's just an all consuming happiness and warmth that floods your body. Daily stresses don't matter. That long list of things you need to accomplish? No longer important. That voice in the back of my mind telling me to constantly be productive is finally quiet. It's just wonderful... but then after about a half hour it fades, and I want it back. So I drink another. Or smoke a joint. Trying to keep that good feeling going just a little longer. But then when it ends? Guilt. Shame. Anxiety. That nasty taste in your mouth that tastes stale and bitter. The icky feeling in your stomach that yo